[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
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You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.