I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
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Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions