I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
You Might Also Like
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps