RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
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My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
what do you want!!!!!!!!
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Britain be like
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Meme Monday.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked