My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
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[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don鈥檛 fit anymore.
Wife: it鈥檚 probably cause of all the muscle you鈥檝e put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you鈥檙e probably right.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn鈥檛 have insurance. I鈥檝e decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he鈥檚 about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
This is Facts right here 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃拃
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don鈥檛 have to
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.