“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
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Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse