He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
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Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Did I do this right
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran