GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
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*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
all that yoga finally paid off
Pickled cat.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.