if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
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Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Batman v Dracula
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!