Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
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My oldest chicken is going through henopause
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.