What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
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i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.