breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
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*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum