When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
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Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Wait a minute…
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.