*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
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A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.