If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi