I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
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Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
me doing my best
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.