Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
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Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
It’s a gift
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
For the baby who has everything
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
found this cool rock hiking today
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy