[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
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Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Does it…does it take 3 days
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents