Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
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What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*