Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
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Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.