My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
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My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
My dad.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)