BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
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It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Netflix and you sit over there.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
me before I type out affect or effect
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?