Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
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People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭