I bet
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Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Breaking news:
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car