Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
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That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
LMAO.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then