My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
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I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
i think we should see other cousins
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
True embarrassment lies within your first email address