Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
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[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she鈥檚 looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 馃槓
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some cr猫me de tomato a la heinz
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
I am a:
鈿笍 man
鈿笍 woman
馃敇 gooseLooking for:
鈿笍 men
鈿笍 women
馃敇 bread
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I鈥檓 really crushing my water intake today
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I鈥檝e never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*