I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
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21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Ok who’s got my black socks?
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.