*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
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Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.