wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
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rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.