I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
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Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.