If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
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They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
no their not
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
“i am a sweet baby”
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE