And that about sums it up.
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Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”