I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
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*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
God has left this place
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.