Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
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Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.