Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
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Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
synchronized noseblowing
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
You deplete me
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?