Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
You Might Also Like
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Is….Is this an option?
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
😂💯
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*