Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
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[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Overindulged this afternoon.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
got so much cardio in today
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Ugh but profoundly
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?