“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
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“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
lmao
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.