Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
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Candid photo of me, eating chips.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.