Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
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Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.