Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
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Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.