time machine? you mean a clock?
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“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I鈥檓 on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Dolls on drugs
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
馃幍 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 馃幍
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she鈥檚 fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.