I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
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a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…