heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
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All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
If you鈥檙e stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it鈥檚 been heating up
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you鈥檙e happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT鈥橲 CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I鈥檓 glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don鈥檛 want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Good Morning.
Optimus Prime鈥檚 mom walking in on him while he鈥檚 carjacking
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 馃檪
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.