How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
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when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You