The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
You Might Also Like
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.