Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
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You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements