If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
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Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full