My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
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Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
grotesque if literal: baby food
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Hmm, not sure about this change
The human personality is made of five key elements
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.